


Peat Moss and Gnomes

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Crack, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-09
Updated: 2006-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-26 19:04:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12065127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin reads HP fic, mocks it, eats Debbie's food, and has a bad dream





	Peat Moss and Gnomes

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: For the record, I'm not making fun of a specific fic, be it in the HP universe or any other. The bit of HP that Justin makes fun of . . . I made that up all by myself. So please don't assume I took it from someone who actually writes HP fic with the intention of making fun of their writing, because I didn't.   


* * *

Justin sat in front of the computer, his eyes - which were on the verge of watering as a result of the gaudy twinkling background of the page - scanning the text. It didn't take long before he hit the goldmine . . . 

"Oh my fucking God!"

"What are you doing?" Brian looked up from the pile of bills he was sorting through and studied the younger man.

"Reading stuff on this fan fiction site. Not only is it funny because of its horrible writing, it's funny because of its attempt at exposition."

"Example?"

"Are you sure? You could end up traumatized."

"Just tell me so you can turn that off and blow me."

"Basically it's a _Harry Potter_ story, but set, like, ten years after they leave Hogwarts."

"And I care because?"

"Just listen. ‘Draco's cock sprung up amid a small bush of wiry hair. Harry deep-throated the well-endowed man and caught the strong smell of the peat moss-like aroma of his arousal.'"

"How much do you wanna bet that writer, and I use the term loosely, has never actually had contact with a dick or, if so, was incapable of causing any form of arousal?"

"It was probably written by a fifteen-year-old girl . . . or Michael."

"Speaking of Michael, Deb sent him over today with some pasta thing. There's Asiago on it, whatever it is."

"Nice." Justin closed out of the site he was looking at and wandered toward the kitchen.

"Yeah, I thought food would get you away from that fucking computer."

***

Justin wasn't sure how he'd ended up wandering around outside, or why he left his own yard and made his way into a small valley. But, just a short distance away, he saw an oddly-shaped house, rooms seemingly built and balancing where rooms shouldn't be able to balance while still being structurally-sound.

And, as he got closer, he couldn't help thinking that it looked like . . . 

"Ron! Harry! Help me find Crookshanks!" 

Justin drew a sharp intake of breath as Hermione Granger came tearing out of the house and running toward the garden.

"What's going on?" Ron suddenly appeared at her side, followed a moment later by Harry.

"I think he's chasing the gnomes again. See how he's torn up the peat moss while trying to catch them?"

"Why do you care?" Ron asked, raking a hand through his overgrown red hair. "It's not like he's going to kill them. And they like being chased. Besides, they're getting fat and it gets them some exercise."

"Ron! You're impossible sometimes! Harry! Help me!" Hermione whined.

But her words were suddenly lost on Justin as he felt a tug at the leg of his jeans. He started slightly, then looked down and found himself staring at a strange little Buddha-like gnome that strongly resembled . . . Michael.

"You've gotta help me!" the little creature exclaimed, wrapping its arms around Justin's leg. "That cat is evil! I don't like pussies!"

"Michael?"

"You have to help me! I can't run like this! Gnomes don't run well while they're pregnant. We're too low to the ground . . . too round . . . it throws our center of balance out of whack."

"Then how do you get around?" Justin asked, studying the Mikey gnome.

"We roll. ‘With no direction home . . . like a rolling stone,'" he sang in his whiney little gnome voice. Then a puff of smoke appeared, followed by a flash of lightning and a crack of thunder. The Mikey gnome clung to Justin's leg and hid his face amid the material of his baggy jeans. "I didn't do it! I didn't do it!" he wailed, as a middle-aged man, clad in a police uniform, stepped from the smoke and tapped his nightstick against his palm.

"Well, well, well . . . What do we have here? Hooligans? A Jet? A Shark?"

"Gee, Officer Krupke, I didn't do anything!" the Mikey gnome wailed before promptly bursting into tears. "Oh my God! My water just broke!" And, sure enough, Justin felt the splash of warm liquid drench his sneakers.

"What the fuck? How much amniotic fluid do you have up there? You're a gnome, for Christ's sake!"

"I'm sorry!" the Mikey gnome wailed as Officer Krupke seemingly decided the scene before him was too fucked up to bother sticking around and disappeared in another puff of smoke. "I can't help it! Gnome assbabies require a lot of it to avoid bacteria!"

"Assbaby?"

"Well, how else did you think it was getting out? I'm a fucking male gnome, for God's sake! Oh my God, I can't do this alone! You have to help me! I can't have this baby by myself!"

"Where's the baby's, uh . . . father? Or are you the father? Um . . . I'm sorry, I don't know the proper terminology for the parents of an assbaby of a male/male gnome union."

"He's an evil bastard! He abandoned us! Decided he'd be a happier gnome in Sydney. Fucking Gay Gnome Mardi Gras! Oh God! It's coming!" The Mikey gnome promptly pulled down his little pants and got on all fours. "Can you see it?"

"Oh, ew! I don't wanna see it!" Justin exclaimed. "And why the fuck am I suddenly smelling Asiago cheese?"

"I'm Italian, goddamnit! And so's the baby's father . . . um . . . other father . . . um . . . inseminator . . . stop confusing me and just help!"

"Oh God. No! This isn't how things are supposed to be! No no no no no!"

***

"Justin! Justin, wake up!"

"Huh? Oh God! Mikey . . . gnome . . . assbaby!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"It was so . . . _real."_

" ‘Mikey, gnome, assbaby?' _That_ was real? Jesus fucking Christ! I told you to stop reading that shit! Now shut the fuck up and go back to sleep."

 

 


End file.
